Smoking: WTF am I totally freeken stupid or am I a masochist? I have been a fan of the "Electronic Cig" lately and have been puffing away on them for a few weeks now. I was thinking wow this is great all the positives like - no bad smell on cloths, can smoke inside, cheaper, etc... So what do I get today before work a pack of Marlboro 100's because a gal at work was smoking them on break and I wanted a REAL cig not this shitty little electronic one. My brain is definitely different that most.. I am an addict to the bone man. I also have found out this year trying to quit that I have a strong emotional connection with cigs. My Mom and Grandmother were heavy smokers and I started when I was 13 years old. I used to smoke with them. The last few years I have had a lot of family stuff happen like my Grandmother committing suicide and my Mom being a prescription pill addict for over 22 years and almost dead. In a sick kind of way I enjoy the cig because I miss my Mom and Grandmother. I want that connection.. I have a spot on my lung and I have known this for about 10 years now. I quit cigs and went to cigars and now to electronic cigs. They are better so I guess I will have to settle for them at this point because I am not willing to quit yet. I am a slow learner that is for sure. Better than drinking though that is for sure. BUT these fucken things will kill me I know that and still do it. I will have to just say "this I am unwilling to quit today but maybe I will be strong enough tomorrow". They say in the Program to not say that you will not NEVER quit something bad and I don't want to become so dam depressed about myself that I want a drink so I will just have to live for being imperfect today. I also have been thinking about this video that I saw about homeless people smoking more than housed people. My head... If it is not cigs it will be food.. I wish I was stronger but I am who I am.
More Web Traffic to California Homeless Resources: I am getting about 1-3 calls a week now from this website that I built last year, people needing help. I am glad on one hand that I can help people that is for sure! I am happy every time a person calls me wanting help. I had this gal call me today that was crying on the phone about having to be homeless. She has a young child and is expecting. Being a single mother with kids is TUFF STUFF! Every time I think I have it bad I think about the single woman out there and what they have to endure with being homeless. I can't even imagine.. Anyway, I am glad I can point them in the right direction BUT I am also very sad for them and upset at our country at the same time. I m also a bit concerned about being able to handle all of the calls I am going to get in the near future. The website is getting about 7-10,000 hits a month at this point and growing every day. I will be contacting Sacramento next week to see if I can get on the States Payrol somehow so that I can devote all of my time to doing this work for the homeless. This is really what I feel like doing everyday. This gal that I saw (Catherine) really touched me. She is choosing to have a hip surgery and get cut on just to get some help. I related because the reason why I have personally been homeless is that I decided to wait to have hip surgery on each hip until later in life. This could be next week but hey I should have that right.. I want to wait as long as I can because the longer I wait the better the technology will be for fake hips. Plus I don't want to deal with it right now in my life. If I decided to go do it I would get my full disability right now. So I have had to be homeless off and on now for 2 1/2 years because I didn't want to get cut on. Pretty shitty when your Country makes you wait over 2 year+ to get help or makes you decide that getting cut on would better than being homeless. This hit me this week after watching this video that this is what I have been doing. I will hopefully get a hearing in a couple months so I should be cool after that.
Living Oprah: I just finished reading this book. It was a good read.. I like the gal Robyn Okrant that wrote the book. This book hit a few chords with me. What entrepreneur does not want to be touched by the magic gold finger of Oprah.. I want her to support California Homeless Resources. I wanted to read it because I saw a documentary on this book about 2 years ago. "The O Effect" is VERY powerful and she has the biggest brand on earth. I have been into branding and building a following the last couple years for my Ceramic Tattoo Art business. It has been a interesting experiment if you will. I am still learning about it. Being anti social for a large part of my life, this has been an eye opener on people in general. It is wild that choosing to be an artist is so different than choosing to be a business man in a suit. People sure do treat ya different. This book was about Robyn living the suggestions that Oprah gave her every day for a year to see if it would help her "live her best life". Some of what she found was that people really just want to be "heard". This is why I spent thousands of hours literally making California Homeless Resources last year being homeless. Being homeless makes you feel like a nonentity that is for sure. The only way I could get my voice heard is to blog, make and website for the homeless. It has turned out to be one of my life's greatest challenges and accomplishments. I am just scratching the surface and there is a lot more work to be done that is for sure. She also stated at the end that maybe she should shut of the TV and start doing other things with her life. I could totally relate to that as well. Being true to one's self is not the easy way to go always and I am learning that as well. I have never been the person to do things the easy way. I have a certain pride about being a survivor if you will. That is the only way to look at the last couple of years and still smile. You have to turn what life gives you into a learning experience and have it make you stronger. Well you don't have to.. You could keep smoking and ruining your health and pay the price associated with that. We have free will to make healthy or unhealthy decisions daily I have to remember this and walk the walk. This book is about letting someone else run your life for a year to see if YOUR life would get better. On health and finances it did get better for her but she lost herself and damaged some relationships in the process of following someone else's receipt for "living your best life". They call it being true to yourself for a reason. You can pick up good suggestions but ultimately it is the "man in the mirror" and your personal relationship with your higher power that really counts.
When you get all you want and you struggle for pelf,
and the world makes you king for a day,
then go to the mirror and look at yourself
and see what that man has to say.
For it isn't your mother, your father or wife
whose judgment upon you must pass,
but the man, whose verdict counts most in your life
is the one staring back from the glass.
He's the fellow to please,
never mind all the rest.
For he's with you right to the end,
and you've passed your most difficult test
if the man in the glass is your friend.
You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.
You can fool the whole world,
down the highway of years,
and take pats on the back as you pass.
But your final reward will be heartache and tears
if you've cheated the man in the glass.
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